Yesterday and this morning could be called the time for my first backlash, at least in emotional terms. Why?1: When I got erected I noticed what I called a "rift", caused by the scarline on the front of penis, making it look crooked. Though it didn't hurt it looked a bit worrying and rendered me some distress.
2: After I'd been stupid enough to masturbate, some of the swelling came back, and the not fully healed incision line became more sore. This made me feel very repentant (who'd think I'd feel anxiety about masturbating at this age?) and increased the distress.
All in all, it felt like a backlash and brought up the inevitable thoughts: Was it really a wise decision to get a circumcision? ...etc.
A good night's sleep and contact with good and supporting friends (not called the doctor yet, maybe I'm a little embarrassed over not having "looked after myself" properly) eased my mind though. The swelling has decreased a bit again, and it's natural that the circulation system doesn't work properly yet in my penis. The distressing tight scar tissue ("the crooking rift") also needs time to settle down before I should worry too much about it.
(You can see on the pictures for yourself, the crook is more visible in some of them!)
Healing takes time! I should know this, and I do know this, but anxiety sometimes seems to take nourishment wherever it can be found, no matter what rationality and logic say. It was a mistake to masturbate, absolutely, but I don't think it caused any real damage, except for perhaps stealing a few days from the healing process.
My penis in flaccid state.
My penis just starting to erect.
(1) Much of the sticking and itching pain I went though when the healing really got wings, was caused by developing scar tissue around the stitch wounds, which at first is always quite sore and inflexible. This in combination with all the new and previously unknown sensations you experience when freshly circumcised gives nourishment to uneasyness and worry. Yet - when you go on breathing and succeed in diverting your bad thoughts away from circumcision, healing and the like - in a few days or weeks things brighten up. The sore tight scar tissue is replaced by more normal skin and the tightness decreases. Besides, much of the healing is not on the surface but has to take place inside (for instance the circulation system as you properly called it). So, while it seems to go slowly (because you can only see the outer part), in fact it is amazing what's going on, on so many levels inside your organ. Also important is how fast you recover from wounds in general, which has to do with your vitamin levels. With a low vitamin C-level you can expect that the closing and healing of wounds, skin development etc. takes much more time than when your intake of vitamin C is ++. I started to drink 3-4 cups of orange juice a day just to be sure I got an appropriate dose of it. Whatever you don't need, your body will get rid of it the natural way (i.e. you piss it out). Don't worry about an overdose in that respect!
ReplyDeleteContinued (2) - On the spiritual/emotional level, yes, enough rest and sleep is very important. I'll try to explain why. Getting circumcised in particular as an adult seems easy, it's not a big operation anyway and is performed millions of times, so from the physical/medical/technical point of view it's not a big deal. Certainly if there was no other alternative or you just choose it yourself for hygiene, looks etc. Still, on the emotional level I have experienced from many other men (including myself) it's not that simple. It's a step with more impact than you could imagine on forehand. Loosing your foreskin (which of course is done of the most private and precious parts a man has) causes an irreversible change to your body, you'll never be the same again how small the change in fact might be, it "does" something with who you are, how you look, how others see and estimate you, etc. Next to that come all the fantasies, imaginations, expectations and projections you have been making (un)consciously for maybe decades about what it would be like to be circumcised, how you would look, how it would feel circed etc. etc. Than all of a sudden it has happened and reality meets 'fantasy': you come off from the table with your bandaged penis and you know one thing for sure. It's true, it's fact, you have become one of "them", the others, the circumcised. The fact of circumcision is no longer something out of the books, on a pic or on the computer screen, it is and will be your daily reality from now on the rest of your life. Than, on a higher, non-personal level, as you pointed out in one of your first entries circumcision is for us 'ordinary guys' here in Europe at least (still) not part of our common environment, of our surrounding culture, of which you are part if you like it or not. This bias, with you as very likely the very first of your kin who's got this operation and physical characteristics, is in your mind too. And you have to deal with it, in all these aspects, you and you alone. Real support by this process of 'reinventing yourself' you can only get from other men who went through the same. This whole experience is both frightening and fulfilling and in that way I believe circumcision is also for us a kind of a rite of passage. Therefore: welcome my friend to the Band of Brothers of the Blade! Together with the day-to-day down-to-earth worries about the healing process this whole emotional aspect costs you more energy than you can think of before you go the doctor to have yourself done. To stay mentally fit and coping with this all during the weeks of healing requires a little bit more rest and sleeping hours than you were used to a month ago! This is also one of the reasons why I believe that the best age for circumcision is let's say 9-12 years (old enough to understand what will happen and why, but happily unaware of all this psychological stuff). But, dear Kristian, you're 12+ so allow yourself this extra and you'll see, things go better with less disturbing thoughts and backlashes like you described. How stupid it may sound now, but I could really pull myself out of the pit by just patting myself on the shoulder once in a while in the boys room saying "You did it!". Yes, I did it and I can enjoy the sight now several times a day (apart from the sexual pleasures usually at night that I will keep private for this moment as far as the blog is concerned).
ReplyDeleteThanks Mark!
ReplyDeleteYour comments are invaluable and really speak for themselves.
I just want to add that my mood is already much better!
I have to say that 'Mark' has 'hit the nail' fairly and squarely on the head. Only a man, circumcised as an adult, could have been so succinct!! I have absolutely no doubt that his revelations will offer great comfort and support!! From viewing your photographs over the last few days I firmly believe that 'things are looking good!' P. UK
ReplyDeleteThanks for the nice words, KP and P (UK). I just tried to explain my thoughts on this and to ease KP worries a little, because that is often forgotten by the medical technicians. OK, I can talk about it too in a technical and joking way, but we all have our silent moments so to speak. Glad to hear my words filled a gap and hopefully others will find some solace in it too.
ReplyDeleteThanks, pals!